Archive for April, 2011|Monthly archive page

This Post is NOT About Me

In Vanity on April 15, 2011 at 11:11 am

“I’m So Vain, I Probably Think This Post is About Someone Else.” la la la Carly Simon was on NPR the other day and I can’t stop singing all her songs in my head (and out loud when no one is around). My mom used to say I was vain when she found out I was washing my bangs 10 times a day to make them sit right. Called me a powdering, prissy, pom-pom girl and was worried I’d start wearing a pointy bra and run off to join the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. I was raised as a feminist from an early age so I knew she was not being nice. Vain I was. I just can’t seem to shake it and I’m now middle aged. You see, in my head I think I look like this:

Me when I was 17

Problem this week is that someone put a picture of me from a conference on the internet and I ain’t lookin’ so hot. I was captured in deep thought apparently but it just comes off as angry while the cuter than cute blond woman I am sitting next to listens intently like Snow White listened to Grumpy when he was mad. So in fact I actually look like this:

Middle Aged Version of Me

If you have a similar problem, here’s what to do:

  • Get bangs/fringe cut to hide forehead.
  • Wear scarf to hide old lady neck.
  • Wear light pink lipstick at all times.
  • Think of something to be happy about at all times.
  • Don’t engage in deep thought when others can see you.
  • Don’t sit next to cute blond people.
  • Try to be the youngest person in the room or at least stand over with the older ones.
  • Eat less and do more exercise…duh

Were you surprised when you first looked in the mirror and saw your grandmother looking back?


SUV Runs Out of Gas in front of Prius – FAIL

In Family Life on April 14, 2011 at 10:52 am

The dumb thing was I knew I was going to run out of gas. Thankfully I was not on a main road, but it was super busy. You should have seen how fast I put the giant SUV into neutral and got it off the road and onto the shoulder. It can be done ladies. I’m only 5’5” and I got it over with a push from a lady stranded in the 50 car back up I created. Not sure why no men got out to help. They were probably on their cell phones or otherwise distracted.

How it’s done:

  • You can push a 2 ton Hummer and other big SUVs.
  • Practice in your driveway.
  • Don’t wear your PJ’s on school carpool run.
  • Accept any help offered.
  • Buy a small plastic gas can at nearest gas station.
  • Fill it up and wipe it off so you don’t stink up your new friend’s SUV.
  • Even though gas prices are high, make sure you are never running on empty.
  • And for Prius haters, get a bumper sticker that says “My other car is an SUV too”

Where is the most inconvenient place you’ve run out of gas?